I don’t know what my mother or my best friend wore yesterday, but I do know that after sashaying around Venice in a multi-colored maxi dress, Mrs. Jay-Z moved on to a frilly white bikini in Croatia. I know this because I turned on my computer and logged on to the internet.
I get it, we care what celebrities wear. But every day do we have to be subjected to a story about Bey’s bump? Because I could write those stories myself, months in advance. The headlines would read:
Beyoncé in a Belly-Concealing Dress!
Look at Beyoncé’s Growing Stomach!
Bey—Still in Designer Fashions—Looks Like She’s About to Pop
Beyoncé Decorates Her Belly with Butterflies (never mind, I can only write that if Mariah gets pregnant again)
And then, of course, the inevitable one: Beyoncé Debuts Her Post-Baby Body
Because it’s been a few years since middle school sex ed class, a quick refresher: when a lady (even a famous lady known for her sexy, stupendous abs) is pregnant, she gets a big stomach. After about nine months, she has the baby and then, unless she is Lauryn Hill or Angelina Jolie, she has a slightly-bigger-than-normal stomach for awhile. So what is happening to Beyoncé is not news—it ceased being news from the moment she showed us her stomach at the MTV Awards. What we’re witnessing now is just biology.
What will be news is if Miss Tina starts a Knowles line of onesies and baby gear. Otherwise, here’s to the Knowles-Carters having a healthy pregnancy and to me not having to share every outfit, baby kick and utterance from the mama-to-be.