Movie Review: ‘Friday the 13th’

Published by Clay Cane on Friday, February 13, 2009 at 11:01 am.

friday-the-13thSummary: Jason Voorhees is back to inflict his wrath on anyone who steps in a ten mile radius of Crystal Lake, where he accidentally drowned 29 years ago, due to lazy camp counselors. Friday the 13th is a remake of the 1980 classic of the same name.

Review: Most horror movie franchises have at least one good film in the series. Usually the original starts off good, but then the plots get goofier with each version. For example, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Exorcist and Nightmare on Elm Street were all great films in the beginning and still interesting today. However, Friday the 13th has the unique experience of being idiotic right from the start and never getting better. There isn’t one good version out of the 11 different Friday the 13ths from the 1980 original to Freddy vs. Jason in 2003.

The 2009 version of Friday the 13th is being coined a remake, but it’s not. In the original, Jason is not the killer, he doesn’t even show up until the sequel and his trademark hockey mask doesn’t appear ’til the third. The movie follows absolutely nothing of the original plot, has different characters and no camp counselors—this is just Friday the 13th Part 12. However, the creators know that Friday the 13th Part 12 will not sell at the box office, so they are tossing the word “remake” out there to dupe its audience into seeing another installment of this crappy horror flick.

With all that said, because the original is such a foolish movie, this version is actually better than the first installment. The special effects have improved, the script was so bad in the original that it could only get better in 2009, and the no-name actors are delivering a scream queen and king performance with the best of them.

Jason has also got a bit of a remake. The man, who has been camping out in the wilderness for decades, could probably win a season of Survivor. Mr. Voorhees has perfect aim with a bow and arrow and he can throw axes with perfect precision.

The thick of the plot is sexy, horny people are murdered at a deserted camp in New Jersey. There are more breasts, asses, drugs and sex scenes than a Superhead book. The murder scenes are so fantastical that it’s hard to get scared. Also, the “country hicks” are farfetched—when did anyone in New Jersey have a Southern accent?

The two people of color, a stereotypical, asexual Asian guy and the lone black dude who wants to start a rap label, have no significant others. Oh, and you know Jason loves chopping up the brown folks.

Whatever the case, you might enjoy this film. According to Wikipedia, “Friday the 13th is the highest grossing horror franchise in the United States, at approximately $591.5 million.”

I give it two axes down.

Friday the 13th is in theaters today.

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