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She’s Pretty For a Dark-Skinned Girl
Published by Shari Myles on Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 3:02 am.
Tameka Foster Raymond has written an essay for The Huffington Post titled “She’s Pretty for a Dark-Skinned Girl.” In the essay the stylist and estranged wife of R&B singer Usher Raymond recounts her issues with self-acceptance and details what she believes to be the perpetuation of self-hatred within the Black community. Read the essay:
“I am a dark-skinned African American woman with features that reflect my ancestry. Debates regarding Light vs. Dark and other biases have plagued our race for years and continues to impact millions of Black women. The deeply rooted intra-racial contempt that lies beneath this inane “compliment” is the reason I’ve chosen to spark dialogue surrounding the topic of self-hatred in our culture. It saturates every aspect of our lives, dominating the perspectives of our generation as a whole. We culturally are so influential, at times inadvertently, that we affect all with the words we utter and the images we portray. It lends to the theory of systemic racism. I’m authoring this piece because I’m miffed by this reality and would like to share my views on these subjects.
It is a fact that many African-Americans are often mixed with an array of other ethnicities (as am I), which allows for the spectrum of our features to be as distinctive and special as we are diverse. Why is it felt that the more diluted our traditionally African features become the more aesthetically acceptable we are considered? It was said in the 1960s and the sentiment seems to be forgotten, “Black is Beautiful.” Wow, nearly 50 years later and is that now only meant for a specific shade? Nonetheless, I believe the beauty of our people and splendor of every individual is reflected in our varying features and hues.
Often dark-skinned women are considered mean, domineering and standoffish and it was these very labels that followed Michelle Obama during the campaign for her husband’s presidency and which she has had to work tirelessly to combat. I was appalled when I heard a Black woman refer to Michelle Obama as unattractive. The conversation turned into why President Obama picked her as his mate. No one in the witch-hunt made reference to the possibility that Michelle Obama was smart, funny, caring, a good person, highly accomplished or brilliant. Nor did they mention that she previously was President Obama’s supervisor. If she were fair skinned, petite with long straight or wavy hair, would the same opinions be linked to her? I seriously doubt it. It is believed that for the dark skinned, dreams are less obtainable.
In fact, I have read similar comments about myself that I am “dark, aggressive, bossy and bitchy.” It has been stated that my husband should have been with a “younger, more beautiful” woman. Astoundingly, the majority of the remarks come from African-American women and are mimicked by others. Sadly enough, I don’t know nor have I met 99% of those making these assertions. Funny, how we can judge another without having personally seen, interacted with or experienced a person’s character.
As I began to delve into further research on this topic, and the more I read, I concluded that many of our people do not like what they see in the mirror. Seeing ones own reflection in another person and then to dissect it in an effort to destroy can only be the product of self-loathing. Why don’t we congratulate as opposed to hate?
There is an adage “hurt people, hurt people”. If this is true then we must examine the root of negative words and judgments that are passed on people. Unfortunately, we have internal stereotypes based off of skin color and facial features that stem from years of programming, dating back to the “Willie Lynch” method for creating a slave. In this infamous formula, one of the main factors in separating and creating division was placing the lighter skinned blacks in a higher position in the house, while those with darker skin were made to stay in the fields and deemed “less desirable”. Much like the Caste System in India. No matter what strides we make as a people, these issues continue to plague and rot our souls, causing significant decay to a portion of our population and truly hindering our progress. Perhaps we show progress in our wallets and lifestyles but not in our mind set.
Reading magazines, social media sites, watching our music videos, and television shows feed our appetites for all things ‘beauty”. Rarely, however do I see depictions of grace and elegance in the form of dark complexioned women. I Googled one of the more ethnic models, Alek Wek and I was saddened by the tone of what the bloggers wrote in reference to her complexion, features and hair texture. Ms. Wek’s escape from Sudan, her journey, philanthropy, and groundbreaking success as a supermodel in America is not only beautiful, but it displays her tenacity and character. African-Americans seemed to have lost their eye for character. These comments are evidence of the confusion that lies within many black people. It’s the cruelty and prejudice that has spilled into the fabric of our everyday lives. It makes me wonder what have we collectively lost as a people? Our Minds.
I too have fallen prey, while on vacation in Brazil I decided to undergo tummy lipo-surgery. After having an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, I went into cardiac arrest before the procedure ever began. I nearly lost my life over something as superficial as having a flatter mid-section and trying to adapt to society’s traditional definition of beauty. As I nursed my psychological wounds, I began to realize that trying to live up to the prototypes of external beauty paled in comparison to the fact that I have undergone labor, subsequently being blessed to raise five handsome, smart, healthy, intuitive, and happy children. I emerged from my ordeal realizing that my body is an amazing vessel that has given birth to life and that being healthy is what’s important and nothing more.
It is my hope that our First Lady and others who share in this effort will continue to be the beacon to shine a light for those who toil on America’s beauty totem pole. Now don’t get me wrong or take my words out of context. I truly believe that everyone has a right to delineate what they deem is attractive, but we must not confuse perceived “attractiveness” with authentic “beauty.” It is important for African Americans, especially, to realize that true beauty is a spiritual element that lies deep within an individual’s spirit. It can neither be seen nor is it tangible. People tend to forget that beauty is not about looks and looks is not about beauty.
One of my favorite quotes comes from the great poet Khalil Gibran who once wrote, “Beauty is not the face; beauty is a light in the heart.”
Well said. I am so glad that you made it through the plastic surgery experience…nightmare. My own sister was once told that she was pretty for a dark-skinned girl and I was told that I was the color of fudge by my boyfriend, who also during the same conversation, told me that light skin was his ideal pick for a mate. He wanted me to know that he made an exception for me. The sadder part was that he did not realize the cruelty,ignorance and weight of the words that came out of his mouth. Many black males(who would even mock other black males that become successful and date outside of their race) fuel the very same way of thinking, which is ignorance, by idealizing and only dating black women who hold to a european standard of beauty; light skin, long silky hair and/or light eyes. When will everyone…all of us wake up from our self imposed mental plastic surgeries and have a mishap, as you did, to finally realize whats really important. True beauty is within and beauty is truely within before it is evidenced without.
I have received supposedly compliments such as these, “you’re a pretty black girl,” “you look ‘just’ like your momma, you ‘just’ chocolate,” I had a boyfriend even called me his chocolate beyonce.” I have heard it all. I have a cousin that greets me, “hey blacky.” I am a dark skinned young woman that grew up in the house with a light skinned mother, sister and two brothers. I have always felt like the “black sheep” of the family because of my complexion. I had one of my sister’s friends who had met me for the first time say, “oh you must look like yall’s daddy.” I am 29 now and it still bothers me. I know it shouldn’t but it does. There is nothing worse than hearing a child, yes I know a child say, “she your momma but you so black.” It is as if I am my complexion. There is more to me than my dark skin. I am God-fearing, educated (currently working on my MS in Psychology), disciplined, determined, dedicated, intelligent, independent, and beautiful woman. However, none of that supersedes my complexion. I ‘just’ wanted to share… I’m done!
I am dark skinned , it bothered me for a long time because when ever someone would tell me that I am pretty they would have to add for a dark skinned girl. I hated it i would always wish that i was lighter , because to me then i would just be pretty. I am now twenty-one and I love being dark skinned i now consider my self as unique and i realize that I am different for a reason ,I now realize my true beauty for what is and i love me , I just wish that dark skinned women could be advertised more because we are all very beautiful.
Beautiful comes in ALL shades!! I, myself, am a beautiful, dark skinned young woman in a committed relationship with a very handsome light- skinned man. With all due respect, when we first met, he was more attracted to me than I was to him. A year and half later, he still makes comments about my complexion. I often wonder if he makes comments because I love and embrace my dark skin so much. I think in all reality that most dark-skinned women only have a problem with their “darkness” simply because other people have a problem with it. I think it’s time for we “darkies” to stand up and recognize that we don’t need light skin to be beautiful and to tell this backwards society that not only can we be dark but we can embrace it and make it look damn GOOD!!!! To all my dark-skinned sistas, love the skin you’re in because you are just as beautiful as the light-skinned girl, if not more!!
I agree with Errica’s beginning statement! BEAUTIFUL COMES IN ALL SHADES. I am neither light nor dark…I’m….let’s say MOCHA…….but as a child I longed to be dark skinned like my beautiful Sister Sandra “Teeny” Gayle Coston!!!! This woman was radiantly dark, tall & beautiful….oh, I forgot to say extremely intelligent……gone too soon. RIP Teeny! I spent many a day trying to “tan” and get dark like her. My sister had she still been here would have been a role model for dark skinned women. She was proud of her skin color and so was I. I learned to be comfortable in whatever skin I was in!
I have one final thing to say….I’ll just quote my dark & lovely brother Tupac: THE DARKER THE FLESH; THE DEEPER THE ROOTS!!!!!!!!
thats why i pay none of the singers on t.v no mine and i dont buy the albums its all a lie. a light skinned girl can come from another country and get signed and a dark skinned girl that lives in this country cant even get signed to a music deal because shes to dark when i mean dark i mean dark skinned not brown people get it mixed up all the time. its ok for a dark skin man but not a woman if dark skin people cant have it in this life i quess you know god gives it to us in heaven thats all.