I’m not the only one thinking about money and relationships. After last week’s post about whether men use money as an excuse to stave off commitment I talked to three people who brought it up — one sister I went to high school with who’s married with a kid, a single brother who’s an entrepreneur in New York and over lunch with the president of the Cincinnati United Way, a married, 50-something white guy with grown children.

The last convo was the most interesting because questions from the “outside” force you to look inward for answers. Some things about relationships between young men and women, especially young black men and women, just weren’t matters of fact to him.

His best question: He wanted to know how much of a factor economics forces were on the breakdown of the black family, as opposed to social ones (something I touched on here and here). His most searing comment: when I told him about a sister asking a room full of black men at a cookout why none of us were hitched despite everyone being college educated, employed, etc., he said “That’s interesting. When I was younger the question was always “Why are all the good guys taken? You’re telling me now it’s why are all the good guys single?” 

So since a lot of people want to talk about it, I’m going to spend the next week discussing money in relationships. Post your questions or suggestions for topics in the comments section and I’ll pick the best ones to post about. Hopefully it’ll be a lively discussion.

It’s a dream come true: you’re down on your luck and the good folks from ABC decide your story would make for great television. They swoop in and build you your dream house, for free, then hand over the keys and deed.

Then three years later, you wind up in foreclosure. Sigh.

It happened to a family in Atlanta, who faced foreclosure on their 5,300-square-foot, five-bedroom mini-mansion after they used it as collateral for a loan to start a construction company. I know: it’s wrong to pass judgment on folks for trying to live out their dreams. At the time, I’m sure the crib seemed like manna from heaven — a paid-for haven from sleeping in a van with enough equity to launch an enterprise. I can’t say I wouldn’t have at least considered doing the same.

Still, I can’t shake the feeling that any number of cliches apply. Something about looking a gift horse in the mouth maybe? or how about leaving well enough along?

Seriously, though, if there’s any lesson to be learned here its that coming up a winner through contests and game shows isn’t all it’s cracked up to be sometimes. Luck, in these cases, requires planning of the tax and financial variety. How many times have you read about somebody hitting the lottery for a kajillion dollars then filing bankruptcy the following year? Or somebody who wins a car but can’t keep it because they forgot that the car counts as taxable income and they can’t pay the bill?

Point being, there’s nothing wrong with luck, but if you do find yourself that lucky, try a little discipline along with it.

It’s 90 degrees and storming outside right now, which means one thing: time to get ready for winter.

Crazy to start thinking about cold weather months when August just started? Notsomuch. Consider this story from the Boston Globe that says home heating bills are going to skyrocket this winter, especially if you use heating oil or natural gas at the crib. Last year, I had a place that used heating oil and it cost me nearly $400 a month to heat a two bedroom apartment. With oil closer to $4 a gallon now, I don’t even think I’d still be able to afford to keep the crib warm in January.

Point being, costs for everything from heat to Christmas dinner will be up this year, so now’s the time to re-evaluate whether you’ll be ready. Have you budgeted extra money for heating bills or are you on an even billing plan with your utility to make sure you pay no more in winter than you did in summer? Are you taking advantage of end-of-summer and back to school sales where you can find clothes at bargain prices? Have you stopped by Home Depot to pick up supplies like the plastic you put around your windows and doors to keep the air out or shovels and salt for snow while they’re still cheap?

No? What are you waiting for, then?

What are some of the other ways you’ve worked to get your budget ready for  the change in seasons?

Last week Barackstar gave a speech in which he said he doesn’t support reparations for the descendants of slaves in the US — in other words, he doesn’t think black folks should get a check from the government to pay them back from the legacy of slavery.

The reparations movement has been going on for a while; before he died Johnnie Cochran filed suit against several companies for their involvement in slavery and some members of Congress have sponsored reparations legislation. The House voted last week to apologize for slavery but the apology came with no financial strings.

So is Barack in the right for believing “that the best reparations we can provide are good schools in the inner city and jobs for people who are unemployed”?  Or is there a stronger argument to be made in favor of reparations? After all, many Jews received compensation following the holocaust and formerly interned Japanese were given reparations after World War II. And there’s no arguing that one of, if not the most impactful legacies of slavery is economic: in a society where success and progress are based on the ownership and accumulation of capital, people who for centuries were used as capital and for years afterward were denied access to capital for housing, investments and businesses are sure to be playing catch-up at best.

So what’s the answer, and will Obama be hurt at the polls by his stance on reparations?

When brothers say they need time to get their financial houses in order before committing to a relationship, are they just making excuses?

I know, it’s not a personal financial question but I had to answer it here because I keep hearing it being asked. Last month I got in a huge disagreement at a cookout with a woman there after she looked around the room, asked all the men if we were in relationships or married then asserted that black men were less mature than white men because, well, look at all these men here who were “successful” but single. Not that any of the women in the room were in relationships, either, but that didn’t matter, I guess. My answer to her was in part that men, any man, will decide when they’re ready for relationships on their own time and that in large part, finances play a major role for black males. Most men — or at least me and most I know, don’t want to enter a long-term relationship without being financially-stable and since many of us come from households where financial resources are limited or where we may be doing a lot of helping out the fam, it takes us longer to get to that point.

Then I saw this blog post yesterday by A Belle in Brooklyn (never met her but great blog), that asks the same:

I had an in depth conversation with a man one weekend who was explaining to me why he’s mentally ready for marriage, but just can’t do it. It’s not that he’s afraid of commitment like most women, including myself, would initially assume. He very much wants to commit, but he fears he doesn’t have enough to offer a woman financially…And to that, I say this:

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to find a man who has it all, but I’m more concerned about what’s in his head than what’s in his account or in his goodie bag of big gifts. I like to think myself as one of those mini-Claire’s in the making that my friend admires so. And that means I fully expect to have all that he’s offering on my own or with his help. That means, I’m looking for someone to build with, not so much someone who offers me the keys to the mini-kingdom he’s already built. A man wants to give me all? Really, I just want him to do like Mary and “give me you. That’s enough for me, bay-bee.”

That’s great to know, Belle, and I respect your opinion. But I don’t really buy it. It sounds sweet that a walk in the park is all you need and we can build the rest, but let’s be real: I haven’t met a sister yet who wants to walk in the park with a broke man. It’s called having standards and especially in my generation, women have been all too vocal about standards   that nearly always include education, profession and money.

Besides, it really ain’t about whether all you want from a man is to “give you him”. If he’s not ready, he’s not, and for most men — most decent ones at least — being “ready” means having your nickels stacked at least halfway to the ceiling.

My cousin in Atlanta called me this week to tell me she’d started a new business as a “virtual assistant”. Basically that means she’s a personal consultant for people who don’t have the time or organization to get some of their own critical tasks done.

I’m ecstatic for my cuz (who knew somebody we called “New-New” would turn out an entrepreneur?), but her idea got me thinking. I know at least two other people in various stages of starting similar businesses in different parts of the country. Clearly, somebody sees a market for making money off people like me, who’s lives have gotten so muddy with distractions and repetitive tasks that the real things we need to focus on often get lost.

So while I hope NewNew gets rich rich, it brings up a good question for people like myself: how can you reach your own full potential unless you get control of your own time? And how DOES someone as busy as me, or busier (I’m a dad, working a more-than-full-time gig, and have several side hustles, including this one), carve out the time needed for planning and organizing for future success, or to enjoy what you’ve already got?

If you were ever in a situation where you felt your time was a commodity you just didn’t have enough of, how did it affect your life at work and by extension, your finances? And how did you take control of it?

Bush finally signed a housing relief bill yesterday that’s supposed to help people stay in their homes by providing affordable, government-backed loans for people who can’t afford and need to refinance out of their current mortgages.

The plan also has some other tenets in it, like $3.9 billion in “neighborhood grants” (can’t wait for the indictments on the first people to get caught bilking the system on those) and more regulation of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. They’re the government-backed mortgage companies that are also getting bailed out under the new bill.

Anyway, how many people are ultimately helped by the bill remains to be seen. But it still brings up an old question for me: how many people are really “deserving” of said help as opposed to those who simply got too greedy and bought cribs they knew they shouldn’t have? I don’t mean to sound cruel, and surely there was a ton of predatory activity in the housing market. If you got vic’d by some shark of a banker, I’m all for you getting help on my tax time.

But what about people like myself, who stayed renters while other fools dove nose-long into crap like interest-only loans, 40-year mortgages, ARMs and the like — where’s my help in buying a house? Might it not make more sense to let some of the froth out of the market by letting those folk lose the house so someone who can actually afford it might pick it up at a decent price?

Roxbury in Boston, Harlem in New York, Bronzeville in Chicago. All of them famously “black” neighborhoods that had fallen on hard times for decades but are undergoing renaissances now with houses being renovated and new stores opening up.

But then there’s the newer, richer and sometimes white residents: do they belong? Is it a good thing to change a neighborhood’s character as long as property values go up and streets get cleaned?

I was on NPR on Monday talking about gentrification. It’s another fallout from the housing boom: prices jumped so high that in many places that had been mostly black for what seems like forever, many black folk can no longer afford to be there. In Harlem, a black real estate agent is being blamed for handing the hood over to whites on a platters; in eight metro areas around the country, more whites are moving back into cities than moving out. 

Are there examples of gentrification where you live and do you agree or disagree with the idea that neighborhoods should be ‘preserved’ for blacks, whites or whoever was there first?

Is it me or are ATM fees out of control? I mean, it’s one thing to pay $4 a gallon for gas, but 7.5 percent just to withdraw own money is ridic. I got hit up like that on Sunday in Chicago. I learned a long time ago to use my debit card most of the time while traveling (but tell the cashier ‘credit’ instead of debit to avoid transaction fees when I buy stuff). Beforehand, I withdraw enough money for food and water on the road and cab fares.

But I ran out of cash in Chicago and had to use the hotel’s ATM. I was at a Sheraton so I figured they’d have a major bank ATM and I wouldn’t get juxed as much as I would by one of those independent machines. Psh. Want that $100 you deposited? That’ll be $104.50, bruh. Thanks.

I would’ve gotten hit by the machine twice but it was down when I checked out. I had to force the cabbie to take a credit card (they hate to do that because they have to take the receipts somewhere to get the money – not as easy as just getting cash). I still ended up paying Chase a $3 fee to withdraw 40 bucks – a 7.5 percent transaction fee just to withdraw my cash. Shame on y’all. 

What’s crazy is I chose my bank – PNC – to avoid ATM fees altogether. They have branches and ATMs all over Cincinnati and are based in Pittsburgh where my family lives. West of Ohio, though, not so much.

What’s the highest ATM fee you’ve ever had to pay and what do you do to avoid them?

A friend asked me how to decide if she needed a financial planner. The answer is that all depends. Getting a financial professional and deciding which one is right is like choosing a doctor: it all depends on your individual circumstances and there are some things you should do on your own before you call one.

Everyone should have several months of living expenses in an emergency fund, little to no credit card or other unsecured debt and be stashing money in a retirement fund like a 401(k) or IRA. These the building blocks to long-term financial stability that most people can do for themselves. Some might need help picking investment choices for their 401ks or IRAs, but many companies have simplified those options so that all you need to do is pick a portfolio based on when you plan to retire.

If you haven’t done those things, paying a financial planner won’t make a lot of sense in the same way that it’d be foolish to pay a doctor to tell you why you’re getting fat knowing you haven’t done a sit-up in 15 years.

Beyond that, it gets dicier. There are financial advisers and planners who have more general practices and can help you plan for everything from retirement to purchasing a home to investing. There are private bankers and wealth managers who specialize in handling high-net worth individuals and others who focus on succession and estate planning for entrepreneurs. I even know one guy who’s business is in “family governance”: helping rich families write by-laws for themselves to prevent wealth from being squandered from generation to generation.

Choosing the right one requires you to take an honest look at what you’re already doing for yourself and assessing what your own goals are.