As my blog week comes to an end, there’s one more point I’d like to discuss regarding dating and marriage. For those who may not have seen it, Judge Mablean Ephriam, formerly of television’s Divorce Court, was a guest on “Meet the Faith” recently, and she was asked to share her views about what’s happening in the Black community with rising divorce rates. Her comments were there’s a shortage of Black men and women just want a man. Wow! If that doesn’t sound like a declaration of desperation, I don’t know what does. Ladies, you don’t have to settle for less than you deserve when it comes to finding a soulmate. Be selective about the types of men you date and who displays characteristics of the marrying kind. I know our biological clocks are constantly reminding us they’re there, especially if having children is part of the plan. Nevertheless, finding a soulmate is not a process that can be rushed. Often,we think if we don’t hook-up after the first marriage proposal, no other proposals will come our way. Who wants to be an old maid in the 21st century? As a result, we settle for a mate, not necessarily our soulmate, just to avoid being alone. I truly believe there is someone for everyone in this world and God will send that someone into your life when the time is right. We just have to be patient and remember God is always on time.

I wonder why it’s gotten to the point where divorce rates are outnumbering wedding anniversaries in our community. It makes me think back to the days of dating and what’s going on or not going on that can be a possible factor regarding these rising statistics. There was a time when men and women took time to talk to each other and really court each other before taking any vows. Men were gentlemen. Women were ladies. The men opened your car door for you, they held the door open, they brought you flowers just because, and they did these things because they wanted to and not simply to get in your jeans. I literally mean your pants, not the song. Women would offer to cook dinner for their man or send cards just because and there were no alterior motives to go after the man’s money or “bling-bling.”
The guest minister on “Meet the Faith” summarized it by saying today many of us are looking for sex partners instead of life partners. Why should a man or a woman marry someone if they’re getting everything, and I mean everything, from that person before making a commitment to that person. It’s like going to a gas station and filling up your tank and then driving off without paying for the gas.
I say let’s go back to the old school way of dating. It was slower and less emphasis was placed on sex and more emphasis placed on compatibility. If those of you saw the movie “Waiting to Exhale,” you should remember Gloria’s birthday party scene. They were discussing men and dating and what happened to the times when a man asked a woman out on a REAL date. A real date is not going over to her place with a six-pack. Later in the movie, they shifted to talking about where they thought all the good men were–in jail, with white women and afraid of a commitment. I believe there are plenty of good men still out there, but guys don’t take the “dating scene” for granted. Chivalry is not dead in the minds of many Black women.
I think the dating stage of a relationship sets the tone for what’s ahead in marriage, if the relationship progresses that far.
What you see, is what you get, so don’t be surprised years later after you’ve married and some of those annoying habits are still there. Use the dating phase to weed out incompatible mates.

The last “Meet the Faith” brought out numerous views about marriage and divorce, but due to television time limits, it’s not always possible to fully develop or even debate every single issue mentioned. In fact, I felt like I was sort of left hanging regarding the notion of “women being raised to be brides.” What does that mean? I was ready for a lengthy explanation, but the segment ended before my curiosity was satisfied. I figured my blog on the subject might generate some clarity from others.
Personally, I nor my sister were raised to ultimately become a bride or a wife. The way the idea was presented during the show seemed as if women are being groomed to acquire the title of bride as if it’s a lifetime goal. There is nothing wrong with getting married, but I was raised to get an education first, pursue a career, try and be a good person, practice a sense of sprituality and appreciate family. Hopefully, that appreciation for family would translate into finding a soulmate and eventually getting married. It just so happens that it did, but if it didn’t that would have been okay too. After all, my sister and I were taught to cook and clean for ourselves, manage our money and pay our bills on time. Is that being raised to be a bride? If so, I guess my two brothers were raised to be brides because they were taught the same things. I thought I was just raised to be independent and able to take care of myself without the day to day parental support that served as the catalyst for my growth in the first place.
I think the female author on the panel summed it up when she quickly interjected that today’s professional women are raised to be career women and encouraged to have their own and then seek compatible mates. Years ago, it was the norm for a lot of Black women to get married and take care of their husbands and their families without the pursuit of other interests. That was a wonderful, generational type of lifestyle. Today, things are different; there are infinite opportunities for women. Black women have a lot of personal objectives that we want to achieve before we “jump the broom.” I’m not quite sure if this notion of being raised to be brides goes with the program.

It was noted on last week’s “Meet the Faith” that more children are growing up between households or with one parent as a result of escalating divorce rates in the Black community. It is unfortunate for a child not to have a mother and a father at home on a daily basis, but it’s even more unfortunate for a child to have unhappy parents who argue or fight constantly and need to be separated or divorced. I am all for divorce, if the circumstances call for it. If a divorce is the only means to achieve ultimate happiness for the adults, I would say do it. It goes back to being happy with yourself before you can be totally happy with someone else. The self-satisfaction will gradually carry over into the relationship with the child or children. Of course, all children do not react the same way after a divorce. Some adjust to the change better than others and age is definitely another determining factor. The key, I think, is for both parents to maintain a constant presence in their children’s lives. The children are usually the victims of our adult game of marital monopoly. They didn’t ask to be players, but they deserve a chance to be winners in the game of life. Thus, getting a divorce should not mean desertion or be synonymous with a single parent household. A signed piece of paper does not relinquish a mother or a father from continuing to fulfill those roles.

How can you love another if you don’t like yourself? It’s a formula like oil and water that just won’t work no matter what other ingredients you add to the mix. Before saying “I do” to someone, make sure YOU are in a good place. If there are things you want to do as an individual—be it traveling, going back to school, getting your own place, changing jobs or careers—by all means do them. Make sure that you are happy with the individual you’ve grown to be personally and professionally.
Often times we postpone elements of our life until after we get married. I’ve heard it from friends and family members (mostly females) who planned to get advanced degrees or start their own business, but decided to wait after getting married. Then, the kids came, more bills came and inevitably there was less time for individual affirmation. At the end of the day, we all have to like ourselves in order to interact productively with others whether it is a spouse, an employer or our children. On “Meet the Faith,” someone mentioned “falling out of love” as a reason for divorce, but I contend “falling in like” with yourself first will pave a smoother road to the altar.

This week’s “Meet the Faith” brought out some interesting aspects regarding marriage and divorce within the Black community. I wasn’t surprised to discover money and poor communication were at the top of the list for rising separation and divorce rates. These things aren’t new to marriage, but the manner in which they’re dealt with today are. I look at my parents who have been married over fifty years and had similar struggles about money and other issues, but the communication about finances and these matters existed on a consistent basis. I recall my mom discussing bills with my dad, I saw him giving her his paycheck to deposit in the bank, and I heard them discussing buying a house for the first time. That, I remember vividly while growing up.
I agree with the guest minister on the show who said couples today are more into planning the wedding than planning for the future together. Even with my folks as good examples, I too, was guilty of focusing on the ceremonial intricacies instead of the marriage itself. Where will I get married? What color will my girls wear? What kind of food will be served? How many guests will I invite? You do get caught up in this whole proposal and presentation factor and forget that once the planned party is over, real, unplanned life continues. Where will we live? Will we have kids? If we have kids, will we both continue to work? Who will handle the bills? Are there any major debts between the two of you? If former spouses or children are involved, what’s the status of alimony or child support? These are some of the realistic questions that need to be answered prior to saying “I do.” Trust me, love is a tricky emotion that can initially fill all your emotional voids and then one day you realize love has ironically become secondary in the marriage and has very little to do with it anymore.
Some of the questions raised on the show were what’s going on in the Black community and why are so many couples opting out of marriage instead of trying to make it work. There are so many things going on in our community these days, but I think society has made it easier for couples to call it quits by glamourizing divorce and subliminally placing it in our minds as an option “if things don’t work out.” The wedding vows “for better or for worse” only seem to apply “for better” and when the worse comes, the divorce comes too. How many of us truly read over those vows after the wedding is over? That could be part of the problem. Of course, I’m all for marital counseling. I’ve partaken in the experience myself. Marital counseling can sometimes be the answer for couples seeking guidance or considering separation or divorce, but I think spiritual counseling PRIOR to getting married is an even better solution to possibly help reduce this increasing number of unfortunate marital mishaps in the Black community.

What’s love got to do with it? Not a thing, according to rising separation and divorce rates in today’s Black community. On this week’s “Meet the Faith,” BET host Ian Smith sifts through the main reasons Blacks are calling it quits and surprisingly, it’s not for a lack of mutual affection.

Guest panelists Rev. Jamal Bryant, Founder of Empowerment Temple, Sharon Epperson, author of “The Big Payoff,” and Dr. Tiy—E, author of “Secrets Men Keep,” also share their views about marriage, divorce and why they believe Black couples are not staying true to their vows “for better or worse.” So, what do you think?

Rajan Says

Check out editorial cartoonist Rajan Sedalia’s latest drawing. Here’s his take on the subject.

My fiancé and I attended a 10 year anniversary party yesterday. We were
talking to a couple who were enjoying 40 years of marriage. As they were
telling us their wedding day details, it was interesting how simple the
reception was by today’s standards. No $600 budget for customized M&M’s, no
elaborate sign-in contraption sheet. It reminds me of a how a little less
can lead to more satisfaction.

Guest Blogger
This week’s guest blogger is Valerie Steele. Ms. Steele is a writer, broadcaster and educator. A graduate of Seton Hall University, Ms. Steele was born in New Jersey, but now resides in Connecticut with her family where she is writing a book about relationships. Valerie has hosted a number of Gospel radio programs over the years, published many articles about education and has served as a professor of English and writing at a Connecticut college.