DIVORCE SHOULDN’T MEAN DESERTION
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It was noted on last week’s “Meet the Faith” that more children are growing up between households or with one parent as a result of escalating divorce rates in the Black community. It is unfortunate for a child not to have a mother and a father at home on a daily basis, but it’s even more unfortunate for a child to have unhappy parents who argue or fight constantly and need to be separated or divorced. I am all for divorce, if the circumstances call for it. If a divorce is the only means to achieve ultimate happiness for the adults, I would say do it. It goes back to being happy with yourself before you can be totally happy with someone else. The self-satisfaction will gradually carry over into the relationship with the child or children. Of course, all children do not react the same way after a divorce. Some adjust to the change better than others and age is definitely another determining factor. The key, I think, is for both parents to maintain a constant presence in their children’s lives. The children are usually the victims of our adult game of marital monopoly. They didn’t ask to be players, but they deserve a chance to be winners in the game of life. Thus, getting a divorce should not mean desertion or be synonymous with a single parent household. A signed piece of paper does not relinquish a mother or a father from continuing to fulfill those roles.
All depends on the circumstances…new a family that the dad…well you know there is incest in familys…when the children are in danger…they already know why dad or mom is not able to be there…one thing for sure we do not know why…men desert…and if a woman deserts…a different story…in these instances the children suffer…because they dont understand…some grow up to be very unhealthy because of their thoughts…of why and blame themselves…to many questions not answered by the deserters…need to do a story from that perspective…children are winners and life is life…adjustments has to be made as long as life goes on…no children did not ask to be born…but there is no game to be played…just because the parents disagree…love means so many different things to everybody…and who knows what goes on behind close doors…everybody has to find their way in life…and we are all winners…its up to the individuals to overcome things they have no control over…marriage is no guarantees…
I have been in that situation; My parents got into it also and ended in the same way. Sometime I wonder and pray to God that my life with someone wouldn’t end in divorce.
[...] California Policy Inbox wrote an interesting post today on BET.com | On BET | Meet The Faith : Blog – Meet The Faith » DIVORCE … Here’s a quick excerptThus, getting a divorce should not mean desertion or be synonymous with a single parent household. A signed piece of paper does not relinquish a mother or a father from continuing … [...]
Hi.
Greetings from Ghana, West Africa.
The trend of divorce in the USA is really out of control, no matter how one looks at it. No offense, but…more than 50%?! Then something is wrong at the fundamental level, no doubt.
And here’s the thing the author says: “divorce shouldn’t mean desertion”. While I can see where she was getting at actually, if one is to be honest with oneself, there can be no divorce without SOME level of desertion of some sort. Even if you provide, and perform all of your duties, one can’t deny that someone in the equation is going to feel “deserted”at some point. Whether the wife or husband or children. On an emotional level, which counts more than all the symbolic gestures a parent can provide. Therefore, divorce shouldn’t be entertained, only under “un-fixable” differences. And one should internalize this BEFORE, not AFTER getting married.
In my humble opinion, this problem is related to the romantic notion of finding someone you are 100% compatible with…look around you! I don’t have to come to America to find that it would mean cloning yourself…THERE IS NO SUCH THING, in absolute terms, no matter what your fanciful movies and love songs tell you…the person will be compatible by all means…but only to an extent. What those films and songs never seem to show involves both parties compromising and sacrificing for the greater good. Why would you do so? Because of your feelings for the other person.
Another source of all this is the heart people put into their careers, jobs, etc sometimes, and I mean both men and women. There is a proverb that translates to something like, “”the grass grows and is cut down, but the ground always remains” That is to say, you can make as much money as you want, and advance in your field more than anyone else, but your completeness is more related to your family than anything else, when all the money is spent, and the accolades have quieted down. (and they will)
Lastly, if you were unfortunate enough to have witnessed some divorce situation when you were growing up, you probably have some pent-up feelings, which you must come to terms with and deal with before you get married, or you will inevitably play the role of the person you never thought you would become (like he/she became the person he/she never thought he would become when HE/SHE was in your place)
Don’t be afraid to trust unconditionally. It is not the easiest thing in the world. Look, everyone has a fear of being let down by someone if they are trusted TOO much…but doing so is how one actually lives. If someone disappoints you, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT- don’t cover up the pain you’re in…acknowledge it, deal with it and although playing the victim when one is the victim makes one feel justified and righteous in a way, let your “victim-ness” go…and return to living anew for your own sake.
Oh, one last thing. I keep reading “the man/woman you deserve…” People may not want to hear this, but NOBODY DESERVES ANYTHING. Nobody was given a gift certificate at birth for future spouses. If there’s something you want in your mind, you work to get it, period. The question becomes “how badly do you want it? Do I want it badly enough to let go of “me” and hold on to “us” to make it work? Do I want it badly enough to forgive, although I am in the right, so that I will be forgiven when I am in the wrong?.
How are you going to get someone who has all these nice qualities you want if you don’t have them yourself, eh? Become what you want, only then will you “deserve” it. And I’m not even talking about people who are financially rich, or with flawless looks, because, like the grass I mentioned earlier, these will eventually pass. I’m talking of having good character, which one can pass on to children for them to pass it on to THEIR children.
And to those whose first reaction was “I already have all those qualities”- the answer is: if you did, you wouldn’t say it yourself, SOMEONE else would! You’ll know it when someone else says it, cos eventually, they will be saying it to you!
Best of luck, and hope your eyes don’t hurt from all that reading.
God bless, and stay safe, relatives in USA.
Abeeku from Ghana.
Hope at least someone liked this.
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