Love? Who Needs it?
Comments(397) 
What’s love got to do with it? Not a thing, according to rising separation and divorce rates in today’s Black community. On this week’s “Meet the Faith,” BET host Ian Smith sifts through the main reasons Blacks are calling it quits and surprisingly, it’s not for a lack of mutual affection.
Guest panelists Rev. Jamal Bryant, Founder of Empowerment Temple, Sharon Epperson, author of “The Big Payoff,” and Dr. Tiy—E, author of “Secrets Men Keep,” also share their views about marriage, divorce and why they believe Black couples are not staying true to their vows “for better or worse.” So, what do you think?
Rajan Says
Check out editorial cartoonist Rajan Sedalia’s latest drawing. Here’s his take on the subject.
My fiancé and I attended a 10 year anniversary party yesterday. We were
talking to a couple who were enjoying 40 years of marriage. As they were
telling us their wedding day details, it was interesting how simple the
reception was by today’s standards. No $600 budget for customized M&M’s, no
elaborate sign-in contraption sheet. It reminds me of a how a little less
can lead to more satisfaction.
Guest Blogger
This week’s guest blogger is Valerie Steele. Ms. Steele is a writer, broadcaster and educator. A graduate of Seton Hall University, Ms. Steele was born in New Jersey, but now resides in Connecticut with her family where she is writing a book about relationships. Valerie has hosted a number of Gospel radio programs over the years, published many articles about education and has served as a professor of English and writing at a Connecticut college.
I am sitting here watching as I do every Sunday morning and I have to comment about what is being said. I cannot grasp the idea that having divorced parents can be just as good as having married parents as long as both parents are involved in the childrens life. We all know that there is no such thing as separate but equal. It doesnt work. A child cannot spend time with this parent or that parent and get equal quality time from both. No child comes out unscathed from a divorce and it takes both parents together to raise healthy children. You cannot have that if the parents are living in separate houses. One parent will always be missing.
I believe that one of the reasons so many blacks are divorcing is because not only lack of communication, but lack of diligence. It is extremely true that you have to search your partner’s heart before making a life-long committment, but you definitely know whether or not a person loves you by their spiritual connection with you. One of the problems is that people(blacks in general)rarely spend the time to seek and find themselves and in return, we wind up going through multitudes of changes in the relationship. Finally after many years of stress and changes, we decide to do better in all areas of life. In the process of that, our kids may see the different changes we go through, and before we get better our kids are adults and it then becomes a generational inheritance. It is a very sad and unexcusable problem we are facing, but one way we can do better is by doing positive things in our relationship to enhance our growth individually and amongst each other. We also have to keep everyone out of our relationships and stick to each other. Your spouse might have a problem in a certain area and vice-versa; you have to be able to complement your spouse in different areas of life and situations. Also, before you decide to separate or divorce, get some marriage counseling. Always remember, the same way you try and succeed at school or work, the same goes for a marriage; it is hard work. Always remember to stick to the word of God because that is your peace. PRAY,PRAY,PRAY!!!
I think I have to disagree about non-equal time effecting a child of divorce. It CAN work. My parents divorced when I was 8. Now at 36 I realize the difference between the divorce my parents went through, and the divorce others I have come into contact with, is that the relationship you have with your individual parents doesn’t HAVE to change because their relationship changed.
My father ENDEAVORED to maintain his relationship with his 3 kids. My mother raised us, but every other weekend my Dad had us. Even after he relocated to Washington, DC! I feel that if parents maintain the bond that’s necessary with their children, regardless of how bad it may have been with their former spouse, children can be raised well-adjusted and develop progressive, adult relationships as they get older.
Yes, divorce can be rough, but maintaining that connection with the child or children is paramount. I’m all for therapy and couples counseling and all that, but in the end, if the 2 parents aren’t in love, or can’t communicate, and truly need to be away from their partner for the betterment of themselves, regardless of societal expections, get divorced. But maintain a continual, enriching relationship with your child.
I think that communication and friendship are important in a marriage. I am not married and have never been married, but, I was in a relationship where these things did not exist. I have 2 beautiful young ladies from this relationship and do not regret it at all. But, I wondered what went wrong in the relationship that we did not end up married and have realized that these 2 things were lacking.
From this relationship, I have strived to improve on myself by having a stronger relationship with Lord, learning about how to love people in general, being friends instead of looking for someone to marry, and being a good listener. I have also learned that if I do not have these things, I cannot bring anything to a relationship.
I think that my children have suffered trememdously because their relationship with their Father is not very solid. He has recently married someone and did not tell them and has refused to answer their calls. The door has always been open for him and he has never knocked and has blamed me for their attitude. These are the kinds of things that continue to keep our people from not being married or having good relationships traditional.
If we concentrated on getting ourselves together spiritually and learning how the Lord teaches us about love, marriage, and communication before we decided to get married, we would definately try to make things work because we have a foundation to work from.
I love your show and think that it should be an hour. Your panel today had a lot more to say and I wish that we could have been able to hear more.
Thanks BET
It was very disheartening to hear the discussion of Black divorce this morning. Comments such as “financial provisions should be made (at the beginning of the marriage) for the children in the eventuality of divorce” is irresponsible. The conversation centered not around the character and integrity that both parties seem to lack in marriages today that results in divorce, but rather how best to accept the willful, shameful and selfish act.
Where are our people who would loudly proclaim the disgrace of divorce, the recognition of God’s standard when His word clearly says that “God hates divorce”?
Putting false men of God and feminist on the panel to represent our people is ludicrous. The false preacher did not speak God’s word that we should not be divorced but rather keep our commitments. He gave his worldly opinion on the mitigation of the impacts of the evil called divorce. And really, how does his opinion fair agains the omnipotent Word of God?
The feminist did naught but disgrace her grandfather, father, brothers, uncles and husband with her talk about how inadequate Black men are in meeting the needs of Black women. A truly strong Black woman decries the purpose for which God made her, which of course is to be suitable helper for her husband.
Perhaps the discussion about divorce should focus on how to prevent its occurrence by acquiescing to the omniscience of God, with women playing their God given role as supporters, and men standing strong for God’s commands. We do believe that God’s word is unquestionable, don’t we? For this is the only way that can preserve marriages, our families, our children, and our culture.
I love meet the faith. My only problem is the show is too short(not the rapper). BET seems to show booty’s shakin’ all day, some comedy at night but the show that forces conversation on an intellectual level is only a half hour, and is shown while a lot of us are still in church. You have to stretch this show to a whole hour and show some repeats during the week or something.
Antnee
Peace
I noted that some of the previous commentators expressed a desire to see the length of this of show extended and one pointed out that BET has shows about booty shaking, comedies and other types of frivolous, that’s my word, programming but not enough substantive shows. I am reluctant to remind us all that BET is no longer “Black owned”. Robert L. Johnson “SOLD OUT” BET (the largest African American television net work) to Sumner Redstone and Viacom in the early 2000s. If shows of real importance to the African American community begin to flood BET’s schedule with any real degree of consistency get on your knees and thank G-d because it will be a miracle and that’s the only way it’s going to occur.
With regard to the issue of marriage in the African American community, I personally believe that we can have no real discussion about having better marriages until we start talking about the most devastating cause for our current situation as a people and that is Slavery. Until we as a people understand that one of the main goals of The European and Anglo-American enslavement of the African peoples was to make us dysfunction in all of the vital areas of our life – we will never be able to have good marriages. Marriage is a Sacred thing, as one of the previous commentators stated. It is an institution ordained my G-d Almighty. The American institution of Slavery was designed to destroy the dignity and respect of the Black Man in the eyes of his women and to degrade and lessen the virtue of the Black Woman in the eyes of her men. Does this behavior sound familiar to any of us?
Love does not conquer all. It cannot be a substitute or a fix-it-all for what is a bigger problem within the African American marriage environment and that is a lack of knowledge of self. What is the role of the Black Man in society and in a marriage? What is the role of a Black Woman, in society and in a marriage? If we can’t agree on the foundations, how can we agree on the institutions built on them?
Before we ask why so many African American marriages fail, let’s first find out if both the man and the woman in the marriage know what they are in. Do both people have an understanding of what marriage is? Is marriage something you do when you’re old and tired of fornicating with multiple partners, uh I mean tired of partying? Is marriage something you do when you’ve knocked-up some woman and you’re feeling pressured to “make a commitment?” Is marriage two people of the same-sex who lust, uh I mean “love” each other and want to bond like normal people?
What is marriage and what is marriage not? I apologize for being so lengthy but I hope that I have given some people food for thought.
Peace
I too think that the show is far too short. I look farward to watching MTF on BET, only to see that the show seems to just scratch the surface of the topics because there isnt enough time for thorough discussion.
I grew up without mom or dad. I was raised by my grandparents and what i saw was not love at all. They were together for the sake of being together. My grandfather owned 2 homes one for him and my grandma and one for him and his girlfriend. It was no secret! They even slept in different bedrooms. I remember when i was 10yrs i went to my 1st sleepover(my friend was raised by her grandparents also)i saw her grandparents hug each other and sleep in the same bed. It was weird to see that. As i got older i realized that my grandparents didnt love each other at all or fell out of love a long time ago. Children shouldnt be dragged though marriages where the couple is mentally divorced. Moms and Dads sometimes get so focused on why their marriages are not working and there children arent getting attention and they lash out or withdraw from their parents. Also staying in these bad marriages can make the child feel like they have to choose a side. From my experience i felt if my grandparents got a divorce it was my grandpa fault and i would be on grandma’s side and live with her. Parents that are not together the parent that is living away from child should always make it his or her duty to see that child. Go to court and get visitation orders if that what it takes. One of the children on the show said that her father didnt come and see her. She said that he would say that he was going to see her but he didnt. I disagree with couples planning and saving their money together just in case the marriage fails. How about dont get married if you and your spouse feel the need to have a plan if you got a divorce. I think that divorce should be the absolute last resort. If you know that you have worked hard at your marriage, prayed to GOD, and exercised every way to make it last and it doesnt just end it.
I’m married and know a lot of married people that stop doing all the things that got them married in the 1st place(I was guilty of the same thing). After going to my pastor and reading the bible i felt like i needed to go back and be that same girl that made my husband late to work because of the alarm clock sex. We just decided look…we love each other, we plan to be together til death so lets go back to having fun.
What’s love got to do with it…nothing at all…when you do not love you…love lacks in every area of life…how do I know…been married and separated then divorced…best thing that ever happened to me…although I wanted my marriage to work…to many interferences…mom…dad…single friends…one needs to take into account…you have made a committment…committed our togetherness…most have not been taught to get rid of the baggage they carry…there are to many secrets that men and women keep from each other…there is some dare seeded things that went on in their families that they bring into the marriage…see…sex…has a lot to do with some not all…physical attraction…that mushy feeling…nobody talking about the serious things and you don’t know him and he does not know you…because you really dont know yourself…we have been told by society to get married and your knight of armour will lift you off of your feet into blist…such a lie…you know the stories…yet they failed to tell the truth…truth has been held back…and people believe lies…so many lies…the white lie…the black lie…then the BIG LIE…garabage…have never been taught how to love ourselves…always looking for somebody else to define love…and those people that you see on the street all hugged up…they call it puppy love…and young and in love…16 fling…all these lies…thats right he loves you until…and the puppy love…lets tell the truth no such thing…the little boy hits the little girl…runs down behind her push her down and she push him…already being taught how to abuse a woman…and she a man…and we laugh…puppy love…thats learned abuse…no such thing as puppy love…we are people…little boys…men…should never hit a woman and say its love…mixed messages…nothing but confusion…he pats her she grins and dont know what to do…but a feeling stimulated…not love…mostly…has no one to explain thing because dont know how to ask…love got nothing to do with that…marriages being destroyed because of the other woman…other man…and the songs they sing about it makes you think its ok…not…love got nothing to do with failed marriages…hurting children…family destruction…where did the love go???
As Always, Peace
Love, who needs it ? – everybody; especially Black People. We need to love ourselves, we need to love our children and our parents and we need to love our spouses. Love is a powerful and for the most part positive emotion. The reason most of us as a people have a problem with the concept of love is because of our history here as enslaved people. We have been for the greater part of our time here in America the recipients of hate, degradation and violence, first by our former slave-masters and the ruling European American society and now by each other.
We must realize that for the most of us we are not really clear on how love is supposed to function in our lives, because we are so unfamiliar with it. So instead of dealing with it, looking into it, finding a way to let love work for us; we cut it off, we dismiss it as something childish, or a trap to be fallen into only by the truly gullible when in fact we are just acting out of fear or hurt or our inability to deal with something we don’t understand.
The fact of the matter is that I believe that we all want love. We want to be loved. We want to share love with others, especially our “soul mate” or spouse, but because of the many disappointments in our past, the psychological baggage that we carry around with us that we have not dealt with, we often enter into marriage blindly or not at all. Love is a good thing but it needs to be balanced with reason, understanding and reflection.
Peace
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